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Yeah.. another 'woe is me post'.. but that's ok, because it's 'where I am'.

To my family, right now, I feel like a piece of gum stuck on their shoe. You know how it is.. You step on a piece of gum. Then each step you take takes a little more effort. Your shoe sticks to the floor or the ground. You try to wipe it off, pick it off, scrape it off with a stick. It doesn't really work though, because there's always that little bit left. It's still sticky, it still bugs you. And the more you pick and pull at it, the bigger mess it becomes. Over time, other dirt and stuff sticks to it and you notice it less. But still, it bothers you and you choose to wear other shoes to avoid the sticky ones. No matter what you do, there's always that sticky spot that bugs you. It may get easier to walk in the shoes, but you can still feel them stick a little.. through the dirt and dust and grass that has been smooshed into the gum. It's too bad those were your favorite shoes.

I don't know if it's simply the effects of things that have happened to me in my life or if it would have been any different had I had a 'normal' childhood.. but I feel like the biggest disappointment of my parents' life. I know that I have not turned out how they would have liked. It seems that every step along the way, I've chosen a different path than what they hoped I would choose. Some of the things that I've done that were disappointing to them were also disappointing to me. And, yeah, I don't want to 'make excuses for my bad choices' but I do know that I might not have done some of those things had things gone differently for me when I was younger.

Still, I'm happy with who I am. That may sound so contrary to what I say most of the time.. but deep down, I am happy with who I am. Why? Because I know that God made me who I am for a reason. I know that I have things to offer and I know that every experience I've had in my life - no matter how bad or good or traumatic or stupid - has in some way shaped who I am today. Deep inside me there is someone who loves and accepts me. Someone who is content, someone thankful for all the adversities I've faced, who recognizes the growth that came from them. She peeks out now and then.. I know she's in there because there was a time (not so long ago) that I found her. I clung desperately to her and learned a lot from her. What happened to her? She got bitch-slapped by a cheating husband. She ran and hid, humiliated and embarrassed. Who am I to say that I am a good person? Who am I to say that I am a good wife? Who am I to say that I'm a good mother? Suddenly all my flaws became painfully obvious once again. Suddenly I was immobilized and incapable of functioning.. at a time when I felt that I couldn't afford to be anything less than 'perfect'. (Yes, I know that I can never be PERFECT, but I can certainly be better than this.. I know because I have been.) The combination of the pressure to perform and overwhelming sense of inadequacy has made me want to just give up.

Suicidal? Yes. Often. It can be a daily struggle for me. Last Sunday, the main thing that kept me from driving off a bridge was the fact that it was Father's day. Silly, huh? I just didn't want my family to remember that 'Mom killed herself on Father's day.' Nice. Hey, it kept me alive, didn't it? Honestly, I live in a pretty safe house. I just don't have the means. Sure, if I got to a point where I was truly determined enough to do it, I could find a way. But I'm a sissy.. thank goodness. Some days I find myself thinking.. 'Well, my baby only NEEDS me for a few more months.. then she can survive without me.' Yes, breastfeeding my infant has saved my life. Anyway, suicide is stupid. Long ago, I decided that was definitely not for me. As hard as it is to continue living sometimes, and as much as I don't want to, I trudge on. With gum on my shoe.

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Nice, aprs! J'espre que vous avez une bonne journe! GA est aussi mon plus gros gain.air max france Toutefois, ce n'est pas un bien. Merci! Trs utile aprs! Des choses incroyables que nous ne pouvons communiquer sur ce thme.
Oui, vraiment. Il tait avec moi. Nous pouvons communiquer sur ce thme.tn pas cher Ici ou dans PM.I excuses, mais, mon avis, il ya d'autre moyen de la dcision d'une question.

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Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/31/2011 - 23:02.

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Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 00:01.

wow`

that was a beautiful and honest post. I really understand a lot of what you say. you know what? all this stuff with my husband has brought up all the things from my childhood I hide from. I was just crying about it late last nigh with my husband. so much I want to say to him and have him make me feel safe but i am SO scared of being betrayed. I know i am not ready to be hurt again. all those things you wrote about how you del with the abuse during and after it, I TOTALLY got. I remember that very thing. for my it wasn't a sibling... but someone else in my life. a person I trusted and loved. a older person. manipulating me even now I think it was my fault! I yell at myself daily saying "it was your fault!" and "not it wasn't!!!!". I war within myself a lot.

I never can explain how much this effects my every thought. I didn't give it that power, it took it. it took my ability to trust and my innocence. I always see evil and expect evil and when I do trust I am constantly mad at myself for letting myself trust someone. I trust... I do, b/c you have to to live. you can't live without trusting some things. but I am always looking behind my back. and when something takes me off guard (b/c life always does this) I hate myself for being so naive!

I said all that to say.... I think one can rise above thi to some degree... unfortunately that means facing it. facing it when the pain is at it's worse. I too felt suicidal many times in my life. I used cutting to help me curb that. I can't stand the thought of having my kids be called "the kid who's mom killed herself". that burden is worse than mine and it keeps me away from suicide. the thought that they would have to walk thru life being label that makes my heart break.

it's taken a lot of work and i have so far to go. but the pain is part of the work. don't hide form the pain. don't hide! face it. face it all. face it with God (as stupid as it sounds) but it only has power over you if you hide.

call me ANYTIME!

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 06/19/2008 - 18:04.

Thank you

I'm glad that my words touched you.. That's the whole reason I started this blog, in hopes that it might touch and even help someone else - even if just one person can benefit.

Thank you for your comment, your words have definitely added to my own and aid in 'getting the point across', so to speak.

Yes, we can rise above this. The point of what I'm doing here is to show that.. as I do it. For me, it was also my husband's betrayal that brought this all back for me.. though it was rearing it's ugly head before that. Perhaps because of the age my children are, or because we've added girls to our family.. who knows. But what my husband did brought it all crashing in.

I will face it. And, yes, I will face it with God. It's the only way I can.

Submitted by PunkOnFire on Fri, 06/20/2008 - 08:25.

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