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Submitted by PunkOnFire on Sat, 01/17/2009 - 14:30

Two years ago today, we were driving away from California. I have not been back since, and I could care less.. One year ago today, you were on your way back.. again. My soul had reached a point of unrest that caused me to shut down and go numb.

You wrote me an email before heading out the door that morning. You said words that brought tears to my eyes - all the things I longed to hear. It was bittersweet. You knew you were hurting me by taking the trip, but I suppose you felt you'd be hurting your friend more if you didn't. I don't know what possessed you to sit down and type out that email.. and I don't know if you felt it in your heart or meant a single thing you said. I don't know if I ever will know.. or if you even remember.

It took less than three days for you to turn it all into a lie.

I don't know how to feel today.. aside from happy that you are not in California. You are here with me, celebrating our second son, playing in the snow, working to provide for your family. I don't know that I would have believed it if someone had said to me last spring that this is where we would be today.

I haven't even opened my email today. I don't know if I will. Anyone who might send something to that address can surely wait until tomorrow.

There's a heavy sadness upon my heart as I struggle to forget. To distract myself from the thoughts of 'this time last year'.. I know I will be spending a lot of time distracting myself over the next few months.. Please, be patient with me.

I know it irritates you when I shirk responsibilities.. when I lack patience with the children.. when I can't follow through on the few things you depend on me for. I wish I could explain why. I wish I could explain the immobilizing feelings that cause my soul to become heavier than lead. I have moments when sadness will fill every inch of my body to the point of scarcely being able to lift a finger. The world around me disappears and fear and sorrow blind and overtake me like an all consuming darkness. I wish I could push it away, I wish I could fight my way out.. I wish I could turn on a light.

I wish I could shake the feeling that you're only here because you've settled. You realized that what you want and what you need are different things and that meeting the need was wiser than fulfilling desires. I can't help but wonder.. If we were to erase our past, take away all the responsibilities, all we've invested in each other.. and if you were to put me in a line up.. would you choose me? or would you just overlook me. Would you even be interested?

When my affection and advances are met with indifference I have to fight to remember that you are involuntarily affected by your moods and tell myself over and over that you are not simply tolerating me.. you are just... down.

There was a time, it seems ages ago, that you couldn't get enough of me. You couldn't keep your hands off me. I knew you were mine, I knew I had you and you couldn't get away.. But it faded.. and faded and faded until it disappeared. It made a brief reappearance last spring when you were on anti-depressants.. It almost made me wish we could keep you on them.. but I knew it wasn't *real*. And I could see that the mania was so intense it was making you feel like you might explode at any moment - one can only tolerate something that intense for so long.

I look forward to the days ahead.. as all this gets farther and farther behind us.. I look forward to not thinking about Her every day. I look forward to not wondering if you're thinking of Her when you're with me.. to not wondering if you dream about Her.. to not wishing I was Her. I look forward to forgetting the things you said to Her about me.. and not longing to live up to those failed expectations, not screaming in my head about the injustice of it all.. not longing to tell Her it was all a lie.. and then stopping to wonder.. 'But was it??...'

Do I really want to know?

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