Understanding PTSD

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Bear with me, this is long..

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is something that is most commonly associated with veterans or victims of horrific and physically traumatic events. Many people don't realize that PTSD can also be the result of emotional trauma.

Survivors of rape or sexual abuse often have PTSD. Also, people who have been betrayed by their partner through an affair often struggle with PTSD.

I found an interesting article today regarding PTSD and rape/sexual abuse survivors on http://dancinginthedarkness.com.

I feel odd talking about having PTSD. I feel odd because I have always associated it with trauma, especially physical trauma and violence. I never knew that it could come from emotionally traumatic events.. even if they don't feel traumatic at the time. And because I had this misunderstanding about it, I also didn't understand all of the way that it could be manifested. I knew the symptoms that veterans experience - my grandfather fought in WW2 and my mother has told me of some of the odd behaviors he exhibited because of his PTSD.

PTSD from emotional or sexual trauma has it's own set of complications. Here is what the aforementioned site had to say:
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A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet

PTSD and Relationships:

Trauma survivors with PTSD often experience problems in their intimate and family relationships or close friendships. PTSD involves symptoms that interfere with trust, emotional closeness, communication, responsible assertiveness, and effective problem solving:

Loss of interest in social or sexual activities, and feeling distant from others, as well as feeling emotionally numb. Partners, friends, or family members may feel hurt, alienated, or discouraged, and then become angry or distant toward the survivor.

Feeling irritable, on-guard, easily startled, worried, or anxious may lead survivors to be unable to relax, socialize, or be intimate without being tense or demanding. Significant others may feel pressured, tense, and controlled as a result.

Difficulty falling or staying asleep and severe nightmares prevent both the survivor and partner from sleeping restfully, and may make sleeping together difficult.

Trauma memories, trauma reminders or flashbacks, and the attempt to avoid such memories or reminders, can make living with a survivor feel like living in a war zone or living in constant threat of vague but terrible danger. Living with an individual who has PTSD does not automatically cause PTSD; but it can produce "vicarious" or "secondary" traumatization, which is almost like having PTSD.

Reliving trauma memories, avoiding trauma reminders, and struggling with fear and anger greatly interferes with survivors' abilities to concentrate, listen carefully, and make cooperative decisions -- so problems often go unresolved for a long time. Significant others may come to feel that dialogue and teamwork are impossible.

Survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse, rape, domestic violence, combat, or terrorism, genocide, torture, kidnapping or being a prisoner of war, often report feeling a lasting sense of terror, horror, vulnerability and betrayal that interferes with relationships:

Feeling close, trusting, and emotionally or sexually intimate may seem a dangerous "letting down of my guard" because of past traumas -- although the survivor often actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current healthy relationships.

Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence, survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses that usually are suppressed by avoiding closeness or by adopting an attitude of criticism or dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends. Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or physical violence.

Survivors may be overly dependent upon or overprotective of partners, family members, friends, or support persons (such as healthcare providers or therapists).

Alcohol abuse and substance addiction Eas an attempt to cope with PTSD Ecan destroy intimacy or friendships

In the first weeks and months following the traumatic event, survivors of disasters, terrible accidents or illnesses, or community violence often feel an unexpected sense of anger, detachment, or anxiety in intimate, family, and friendship relationships. Most are able to resume their prior level of intimacy and involvement in relationships, but the 5-10% who develop PTSD often experience lasting problems with relatedness and intimacy.

Yet many trauma survivors do not experience PTSD, and many couples, families, or friendships with an individual who has PTSD do not experience severe relational problems. Successful intimate relationships require:

Creating a personal support network to cope with PTSD while maintaining or rebuilding family and friend relationships with dedication, perseverance, hard work, and commitment

Sharing feelings honestly and openly with an attitude of respect and compassion

Continual practice to strengthen cooperative problem-solving and communication

Infusions of playfulness, spontaneity, relaxation, and mutual enjoyment.

For many trauma survivors, intimate, family, and friend relationships are extremely beneficial, providing companionship and belongingness as an antidote to isolation, self-esteem as an antidote to depression and guilt, opportunities to make a positive contribution to reduce feelings of failure or alienation, and practical and emotional support when coping with life stressors.

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I realize now, that during my teens and early years of my marriage, I did experience some of these things. But not to an extent where I felt something was 'wrong'. Before my husband's affair I had reached a point where I was truly comfortable trusting him and allowing myself to really be emotionally intimate with him and with a handful of friends. I felt safe enough to open up to vulnerability. I'd gotten over this:
"Feeling close, trusting, and emotionally or sexually intimate may seem a dangerous "letting down of my guard" because of past traumas -- although the survivor often actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current healthy relationships."

Over the past year, as I've learned more about PTSD, it's affects, and what causes it, I have mostly blamed it on the affair. I know that a lot of what I experience is directly related to the affair, that is easy enough to figure out because of what triggers it.

But I'm beginning to realize that there is more to the picture. Especially when we factor in the messy situation that came from 'coming out' to my family. That was a huge set back for me.

I know that the affair really intensified and even caused a lot of the problems I have now with PTSD. But I can see from this information that the root cause of it goes much deeper and extends deeply into the fact that I was betrayed first as a child. That shaping that took place, that conditioning of how I view relationships and my place in them, has made infidelity an even bigger blow to my emotional stability than it might have been otherwise.

It's no wonder that my main coping tool right now is avoidance. I've completely cut myself off from the issues, both of them. I don't want to think about them or talk about them.. especially not with my husband. I do occasionally talk about them.. but it's as if I'm talking about someone else. Which makes me feel like I'm lying. I know I'm not, but it's what it feels like.. and that's okay with me because it enables me to cut off my emotions regarding the situation.

A year ago, I was diving in head first. I was raw and bleeding from my husband's betrayal and that situation managed to open all my other old wounds as well. I figured, if I have to deal with this, I may as well deal with that. But it got to be too much. So, I'm done.

The part that concerns me most is this:
"Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence, survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses that usually are suppressed by avoiding closeness or by adopting an attitude of criticism or dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends. Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or physical violence."

Now, I never really considered myself a victim of physical abuse, but there was violence involved in my home life growing up. I'm not sure if that's where this comes from or not, but I know that I am guilty of this behavior quite often. When I get triggered by something, this is often how PTSD rears up in me. I get angry and irritable and have a tendency to get verbally abusive - especially toward my kids.

I need to work on finding a way to deal with that.

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Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 07/23/2011 - 11:05.

PTSD has been mentioned...

to me also, but I always blew it off. Just one more label I didn't want to have. But, I did do some research on it, and hate the fact that it's so damn accurate.
Yes, I was assaulted. And I buried it. I've seen the similarities in reaction to that and to my husband's "emotional" affair last year - I'm choosing not to deal with our dual cheating 8 years ago right now, I just can't handle any more.
It puts me right back in that "worthless" place, that I just can't seem to climb out of. And my reaction is to isolate, and disconnect - often showing up as anger/irritability towards those around me, including my teenager.
Shit... I don't have any good advice. At all. But you're so not alone. I hope that helps a little.

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Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 06/06/2009 - 15:43.

it does help

It helps a lot to know that I'm not the only one who has dealt with that. Makes the world feel a little less lonely. ;)

and yes, I know that 'worthless' place all too well. Exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

Submitted by PunkOnFire on Sun, 06/07/2009 - 09:36.

interesting

i understand how you feel. My mother was an alcoholic who was quite physically aggressive with me and who didnt do a very good job. After I was adopted in my mid childhood, things bounced up and down and eventually I reached a peaceful state of normaly with a girl I settled down with for 9 years. During that relationship, I discovered an affair where she was cheating on me with my best friend and business partner, she was totally in love with him.

The trauma of discovery and also her total avoidance to accept responsibility for her actions and betrayals set me into a world worse than anything I had dealt with from my mother and moving around a lot as a kid. I buried myself in my office for six months and did nothing but drink rum.

Eventually, I came out of my shell peice by peice and started learning to trusting again but I would periodically get set off and get hypervigilant about verifying the facts. We got engaged a year and a half later and a year into the engagement she ended up cheating on me again, right at the time I was trying to get over my hypervigilance issues and triggers. I didnt figure it out until she left me 10 months after she started acting weird.

I now recognize that the affair took what coping skills I had learned as a kid and blasted them to bits. I now realize that this double whammy of affairs with the closest person to me (I connected to my fiancee unlike any other woman in my life including my mother) has left me with PTSD. Its been over two years since I was with that woman, but near the anniversary date I started accusing my current girlfriend of seeing someone behind my back, I started going nuts. I was trying to stop the flood of vigilance but I could not. I had no real concrete reason to suspect that my girlfriend was cheating on me, but I couldnt control it.

To dissect it there was the anniversary date, but there was also the fact that my girlfriend started working at a casino which is near by the guy's house and I know the guy likes to go to casinos. My panic made no sense, she was out with her friend and I had visions of her being out with the guy that my ex-fiancee had cheated on me with, like a total redux.

Infidelity does cause PTSD in some people. I live it. I can handle the most horrific trauma, I can stay cool in almost any situation. This affliction is awful. I think that people who get caught cheating should be forced to learn what they do to the people they are cheating on, they should hear the stories of people like me and the author.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 05/29/2010 - 07:07.

thanks

Thanks for your comment. It's not uncommon for people who've experienced infidelity to have PTSD. It is very sad that some people will lie and cheat without barely a second thought about the damage they might be causing someone else. And with the rates of infidelity being as high as they are (some 75% of married couples will have it happen), I agree - awareness should be raised about the suffering of the people betrayed.

Submitted by PunkOnFire on Sat, 05/29/2010 - 08:08.

i understand too

i suffered all forms of abuse as a child...and my 2nd husbands infidelity put me over the edge..

i have been hypervigilant and suffering severe panic attacks for 5 years now..i am finally seeing a psychiatrist because i am afraid im going to wind up a lonely old woman...ive been accusing manipulative and abusive to him over the smallest things...not a day passes that i dont have at least one horrible thought of him with another woman...and my self esteem is the lowest of my life esp because i cant control the thoughts...how can i when im overcome with severe panic? ive tried everything...putting up a wall, alcohol, antidepressants that make sex unenjoyable....i just tried and anti psychotic drug a few days ago prescribed by the doc and it caused my bp to rise and chest pains....i cant continue to suffer like this...im barely holding my job...running across this has helped me see im not alone...which does help....

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/25/2010 - 18:10.

I wish someone could help me

My husband cheated on me, then went back to his ex 3 times after. I have been with him 7 years. He is emotionally abusive when we argue and has been physically abusive. But he is a good father to my children. I have not worked since we moved to a Middle Eastern country 6 years ago. Therefore I am completely reliant on my husband for money. I am scared to leave him, incase I am doing the wrong thing. He allows me anything I want, but when we argue he takes the bank cards away from me.

9 months ago, he went on a business trip. He took another woman and her family out to lunch in a mall. I was shocked to find out about this. Initially he lied about it, because he said I would have a bad reaction.

This has caused me to have flash backs, I get a nervous stomach, I am too scared to touch his telephone, or look at his computer. I cry, and I stay awake at night, because I do not ever see myself trusting him again. I see no way out.

I have accused him of wanting to be with 3 of my friends. I am petrified that he wants to be with my single neighbour, as they are always together at parties.

I have no one here to talk to, because no one understands what I am going through. I just do not know what to do.

I know I need help but there is none to be had in this country. I am so scared I am going to loose it, I feel like I am going crazy, I cant tell if I am over reacting or not, I am scared I am pushing him away, and I cannot help it.

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 11/30/2010 - 10:53.

dear i wish someone could help me

i dont know if you will get this since it has been a while since your post. it is early in the morning for me due to lack of sleep. i am searching the internet for help with the ptsd from my husbands affair as well as from issues in my childhood that had never been addressed.

i know the fear you have. i cant believe at all. i have come to try to deal with the fear instead of the worry. there is only so much you can do to protect yourself against him cheating on you again. sooner or later you have to decide if you are going to continue letting the doubt make you crazy or come up with the a plan for yourself and accept the fact that if he does do it you will initiate your plan. you dont have to let him hurt you.

if he gives you what you want then you need to start putting money away for yourself and figure out a way out if you need to leave. i know it must be hard and scary.

i dont understand why you are still staying with him if his history has already proven to you that he does cheat and is so abusive. even if it takes years to plan it sounds like you need a plan to get away from him. if not, you need to learn how to protect your emotions.

life is to short to play the victim role forever. decide what you want for yourself without him and start doing something that makes you feel better.

i hope at least some of this helps.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 01/08/2011 - 03:00.

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Understanding PTSD

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